Euthanasia Discussion and Spouses

[Jager's Mom]

Nicely put... and couldn't agree more

I'm so sorry that you all are going thru such tough times... My heart goes out to you all.

I think the info below is really good...

Hugs to you, your hubby and your baby.

* Make a calendar. Write a + for all the good happy days, and a - for all the bad days. See which ones he has more in a week or another set period.

* Think of 3 things he used to love to do. Can he still do those and enjoy them? When you're to his last pleasure in life, it's time to go.

* Better a day too early than a day too late. I've never heard anyone say they regretted putting a dog to sleep too early, but I've heard many say they've regretted putting them to sleep too late.

* Our last gift to our dog is to let them go before they start suffering. They live day-to-day "in the moment". They don't understand that "it might get better", or what they're going through. They can only understand how they feel in the moment. For as long as we're responsible for our dogs, this is one tough responsibility we must also decide on.


To me it sounds like it's time, especially if you're coming here for advice. It's never easy, but I think you need to take him to the vet. Has your husband gone through loss before? It might just be super tough on him and he might be in the "denial" -phase? Can you schedule an appointment with e.g. the vet or someone impartial to talk to and evaluate the situation?

 

[victoria1140]

Anothet thing to try is look at photos and videos of when you knew he was happy and compare them to now.

 

[Newfs Forever]

I agree with all that has been said. I can't really add anything else.

I wish you the very best at this very difficult time.

 

[Carlina]

Sorry you are going through this, only you will know when it is time. Be brave in your decision.

 

[Newfs Forever]

Any possibility that you could/would show your DH this entire thread? Do you think that might help?

 

[NKlein]

Thanks again, all. I am open to sharing this thread with him, Sue, but I know he needs to be in the right frame of mind to really listen. In general, he thinks that people put down their dogs too quickly, so he tends to write off others' opinions quickly. He often says "I understand, I just don't agree."

What I've been working on is trying to shift the way he thinks of Byron. He tends to consider Byron his terminally-ill child. I do understand that because Byron is 100% dependent on us, we are responsible for his care, and, quite frankly, we consider him to be one of our kids. But he is 10.5 years old and has been very ill for many years (which I feel has aged him beyond his years). I need him to start thinking of Byron as a terminally-ill grandfather. His pain is only going to increase as he ages and there is no hope of recovery.

The crux of the issue is that my husband has stated many times that he would most definitely want to be kept alive if he were in the same condition. I would not. Which goes back to us each doing what we feel is best.

It's also hard to use the same criteria that others would use (more bad days than good, still doing things he loves, etc.). His criteria would be more along the lines of "is the dog suffering severe pain with absolutely no option for relief? Have we explored other specialists anywhere in North America who may be able to help" etc.

 

[Newfs Forever]

Bless you, Nicole.

Sending many many good thoughts and prayers for all of you.

 

[estacey]

That is the ultimate question, how much pain is the DOG feeling. If all those vets say it is time I really do not understand the fight. I would be talking to my vet without hubby and find a way to let Byron go, even if it means morphine on a regular basis in order to ease the pain and eventually let him die in peace.
I am so sorry Byron and your family are having to go through this.

 

[DAWNMERIE]

So basically Byron is Terri Schiavo, how very sad I was actually going to mention this could be a the problem with yourselves, should something happen, as it will also be someday probably an issue with myself. I'm guessing I should share, I've actually been trying to type up something but have been having a hard time with it. May I ask the ages of your children? And I'm also curious as to Dan's life expectations of Byron? Have you gotten to the point of bed sores yet? Next question is, are Byron's 4 legs stiff or do you massage everyday?

 

[Murphy]

I am sure it has been mentioned. But dogs cannot speak for themselves but to give us silent message's.
It is up to us who love them to listen and do the right thing.
I do not minimize the problems this could cause for your relationship but frankly, that is not Byron's problem. Again, he doesn't get a vote.
Good luck and keep us posted.

 

[ajcooksey]

I was just wondering about his day to day life. I know a lot of people on here with seniors take days to groom them bc of how stressful it is on them. Is his coat cut short to minimize grooming? Does he tolerate daily baths ok? I can't imagine how difficult it is to give him a bath daily on top of his other medical conditions and I was just wondering if this was too much for him even though it is needed.

 

[Pipelineozzy]

Perhaps your husband needs a little help in understanding that dogs are very different than people in that they do not have hobbies etc. that they can use to pass time when they are unable to live normally. They do not have video games, computers, anything to occupy them, so if they are unable to live relatively normally, all they do - is suffer and wait to die. When there is no chance of improvement and no ability to function on their own, the greatest act of love you can give them is to allow them to move on.

 

[Tricia2]

Would he allow the dog to be surrendered to rescue to see if any intervention could help the dog to have a better quality of life and take some of the burden off of your family?

 

[Jeannie]

I have been following this thread and commented once. I'm sorry you are going through this. I don't want to stir the fires but I have to say this.

From what you have posted Byron has no quality of life and is obviously in pain. To keep him around and let him suffer is not right. Unlike with our human loved ones we can make the decision to relieve our pets from their suffering. IMO your husband is not being realistic or very grown up. Passing on is part of life. I truly believe that we will one day be reunited with our pets. That is what gives me comfort. I've been praying for Byron - that he gets relief from his pain and suffering. And for your ease of mind, relationship and wisdom.

 

[Leonard and his bud Snuffles]

Sorry you have to go through all this. Yes, society seems to be very hypocritical on humans who should live and who should die and at who's decision (biased laws and courts, but won't say any more than that) when it comes to humans. But fortunately for our beloved pets that is a gift we can do.

Snuffles will be my first pet to ever have to make that decision and it will be here sooner than later at over 10 1/2. I think about it a lot now and tear up when I do think about the trigger points. But I know in my own mind I want minimal suffering and poor quality of life. I am hoping I will be strong and put Snuffles before me. Right now he is basically health except for his left CCL. But if the other one goes........that will be a tough decision for sure.

 

[Tricia2]

Nicole I really feel for you, the challenges of having this kind of moral disparity in a marriage coupled with the care of small children and a very ill dog must be a heavy burden to bear. I will pray that you find the strength to stand up and speak for your dog, who cannot speak for himself, and do the right thing to end his suffering. It is the hardest contract we will sign in this life when we take on stewardship for these dogs, almost without exception, they will need our intervention in the final days.

 

[Newfs Forever]

Very well said, Trish!

 

[mcme]

I don't know if this will help, but who is with Byron more of the day and more responsible for his care? My husband and I have had to make this decision three times, twice with elderly dogs and once with a very young dog who had myasthenia gravis. Each time, my husband was more reluctant to make this decision than I was. In the end, he deferred to me because I was more responsible for the dog's daily care, knew best what his quality of life was, and also bore the brunt of caring for, in two cases, a very large dog who was unable to walk unaided. I can't imagine how you and your husband are caring for Byron if you also have young children. It must be so difficult!
I would really encourage your husband to talk to his therapist about this. If this is someone he trusts, maybe he will listen more than he did to the vet.
This must be so hard. You truly have my sympathy and prayers.

 

[Murphy]

These are your words Nicole....

"but the point is that he's been very sick for a long time and it continues to get worse. He's blind, incontinent, partially paralyzed and his un-treatable skin condition is at the point where the dermatologist says that when he does walk, it's like "walking on glass"


I hope and pray that you will give your beloved boy relief. I like many others had to make that decision and it was gut wrenching. But I did it for my Murphy.

There will be many other angels to greet Byron at the Bridge.

 

[wrknnwf]

I was thinking about your dilemma today and it brought to mind how hard it was for my husband to let one of our dogs go.

This was years ago and the dog was a 4 year old Doberman who had bone cancer. He was my husband's first dog and they were devoted to each other. As I watch the dog decline horribly, I begged my husband to let go. He couldn't. Finally, I took a picture of the dog in it's sad state and set it alongside another older photo of the dog in happier times. I won't say it completely did the trick, but it hammered home the reality of how pathetically ill this poor dog really was.

I told my husband I would take the dog in to the vet by myself. I told him I knew he wouldn't be able to do it and that was OK. I secretly figured it would be easier on him if he detached himself from the actual deed and if I shouldered everyone's mental burden about "murdering" the dog. He relented.

It wasn't the way I would have liked it, but the dog didn't deserve to suffer one minute longer. As the dog passed away quietly in my arms, the relief was overwhelming for me, but my husband didn't get the closure and relief I would have liked him to share. However, it would not have been possible for my husband any other way.

We took the dog on one final outing the day before. I hung back so my husband could have time to privately say goodbye. I have a very poetic, faded photo of them walking away from me, one last time together, down a path in the woods. It's the only photo I've kept of either of them because it speaks volumes about each of them and their bond with each other.

I've had to euthanize many dogs since then, and I've been with several family members and other people when they passed. I watched my Mom die painfully by inches over a long period of time and held her hand as she passed away. And I did the same for my husband when he died from a ruptured aneurysm in his brain. In both cases, it made me miserable that they had to suffer so. I thought about how much kinder euthanasia is.

Watching death take place is not nearly as scary as someone, who hasn't experienced it, might think. And while it doesn't get easy, I know without a doubt now, that to let go of your dog is the kindest, most moral and ethical thing to do.

But if someone doesn't have the heart for it, just offering to stand in for them may help.