Non-Newf: Planning for crossing the bridge

[chiwolvesfan]

Our "middle child" Benni (Great Dane/Husky mix we think) was diagnosed with lymphoma today. She's a little over 5-1/2 years old, and has been the "big sis" to our rescue Newf, Exelby. Ex came to us 2 years ago at 6 months old, from a backyard breeder, very skittish, neglected, malnourished, etc. and immediately clung to Benni taking all of his cues from her. It is because of Benni that every day he is getting better interacting with people, playing, etc.

Benni is still acting fairly normal -- wanting to play, eating, etc. When we met with the oncologist today it became clearly apparent we cannot afford the wide spectrum protocol for chemo treatments ($5000-6000). We have decided to go with making her comfortable for the next couple months or so by giving her prednisone and the chemo drug leukeran.

So here's where I need help. Benni is the first pet I have had that is going to be crossing the bridge. I am grieving, but understand what is going on. What have you done to help your other dogs during this process? I think they already know something is going on, that she is different, but after she does cross the bridge, is there anything I should do? Anything beforehand?

Thank you for your time and insights.
Cathy

 

[wrknnwf]

I'm so sorry that you are all going through this ordeal. I don't really have much advice because we all tend to grieve differenly. Only a few things come to mind...

Keep things as normal as possible and try to stay in a positive frame of mind. Benni or the others may "read" your emotions and you don't want them to become stressed. Make her last days as happy and as comfortable as you can. Spoil her a bit; it will do you as much good as it will her.

After she is gone, give your other dogs some extra good quality time with you. Dogs tend to adjust quicker than humans, but you can watch for any signs that might indicate that they are missing Benni. If they seem to look for her, distract them by paying them some extra attention. Try to stay upbeat and happy when you're with them so they don't think they've done something wrong.

Personally, I've made a habit of saving my tears for when I'm away from the dogs. They can't comprehend what is making me so sad and I don't want to burden them with my emotions. We've had a number of foster dogs here and I think my dogs are used to the comings and goings, so when one dies, it's just like any other dog leaving. They're just gone and we go on with our lives.

I wish you all the best in this difficult time.

 

[chiwolvesfan]

Thank you, Jane, for your kind words. Unfortunately, at this point I have not been able to hide my tears from the dogs. My sensitive one, Exelby, has been such a joy to me during this time as he constantly comes and licks away my tears. I do hear what you are saying though, and going forward, I will do my best to keep them in check and cry in the bathroom, the car, etc.

On the "positive" side, I am currently unemployed so I have nothing but time to give to all three of my dogs.

 

[Newfs Forever]

I know it has been often said, try not to grieve in front of them, before the time.

Personally, I think they are sooooo intuned to us that they know. I believe they understand so much more than we can comprehend.

I also feel quality time before and after is in order. That may be tough. Perhaps, your remaining dogs have more quality time after, and your Benni have more quality time now.

I have also been fortunate enough that my vet will come to my house at the "time".

Personally, I think that has helped.

I wish you the very best and I know how difficult it is, as I just lost my last dog (newf) last Friday.

We are here for you. Please don't hesitate.

 

[R Taft]

I am so sorry this is happening to you.............I have had to do this a few times. And really there is no real way to do this. every time was so different with the different dogs involved. But happy times with your three dogs now is important for both you and your dogs.
Both Jane and Sue are right. And everything they say makes sense, i was like you, I could not hide my sadness. And I think that is still Ok.
Tessa missed our most recent Newfie Zack desperately, when he had to cross the Bridge. It took a little while, but with the distraction of getting our new rescue she is fine now.
As to the actual event...........If you were able to do it at home it would be wonderful. We live to far away, but we did it in the back of Zacky's favorite place, his Jeep. And we both held him and told him we loved with him. it is all you can give at the end. We allow our other dogs to see the body of the dead dog. And we allow them to sniff and realize that they are dead. My first ever dog I did not do that and our other dog kept looking for her. I will never do that again.
Tessa still lies on Zacky's grave sometimes. She never used to lie there before. People say i see too much into that. But it is what I only see what I see.
This will not be an easy time for you, but remember we are here and you can "talk" to us. We will all be here for you. Take care, Ronnie

 

[Erika]

Our Glory was diagnosed with cancer and other illnesses. She was 11 and couldnt with stand treatment.She lived 7 months comfortably. It was heart breaking but we did all the things she loved while she could still manage,walks to her rose bush,visits to her fountains. Take lots of pic, they will warm your hearts. The other 4 dogs felt something. They stayed by her side more, Gerik her love seemed to watch from a distance till the time was near. We let it all play out they way they needed.There is no set answers. The circle of life takes its course as each and everyone of us find our way. They grieve differently too, humans and animals as well. Cherish each moment . Im so sorry you are going threw this but here you will find the love and support to get you threw. Hugs and prayers to you and your as you travel this difficult journey.

Glory was also my first dog I helped cross over.

 

[Alicia]

I am sorry you are going through this as well. We have a dog that was diagnosed with cancer and is going down hill lately so I can relate. Rocky and Maggie have never had the closest relationship to begin with but we have gotten Rocky very used to going for walks without Maggie already. That actually took some time because around here we are all very set in our routines. Rocky was a little out of sorts at first but has adjusted to that now. One other thing, we have talked to our vet about coming to our house when the time comes and he will. I think that will make it less stressful for Maggie because she always has been very scared the minute we bring her into the vet's building. I am undecided but am leaning towards letting Rock "see" her after. That part is just so hard to think about, my eyes are filling with tears just thinking of that. We'll see. Anyhow, we are here for you. Please keep us posted.

 

[Ursa]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I agree - keep things as normal for your dogs as possible and for as long as possible. Our big man B went to the bridge just over two years ago after a lengthy illness. He told us when it was time and I'm sure Benni will tell you. Until then let her enjoy life as much as possible.

Remember that we're all here for you.

 

[Murphy]

:hugs:I really have nothing to add but sympathy for what you are going through..

 

[kastle]

I am really sorry you have to go through this. It's never easy. After 18 years, I had to help my kitty, Espresso cross the bridge due to a brain tumor. Nov. 19 will never again be a good day for me. I still miss him terribly everyday. The process was very sad but very peaceful.

On a more lighter note, my mother had a Maine Coon cat that was diagnosed with lymphoma. The vet gave him less than a year due to his age at the time (15 yrs) and the fact that he also had hyperthyroidism. She couldn't afford the expensive chemo treatments so he was put on steroids. He lived another 4 years before he started showing signs that he had enough. She helped him cross the bridge when he was no longer eating well and wanting to play. The steroids helped him a lot for a long period of time. I can only wish that for you.

 

[Newfobsessed]

Oh Cathy I feel so bad for you. Everyone has given great advice, but I am like you, I cried on the way to work and on the way home, but still broke down in front of my babies. I lost my first boxer to lymphoma. I put her thru all the treatments, and she was not responding, which hurt even more. I had our vet come to our house. Our pet sitter asked if she could come to say goodbye. She cooked a steak for my girl as her last meal. When I saw that, I almost cried again. She ate it and did not get sick, as I feared she might. They carried her out after it was over, in a bed sheet and her ashes are still with me. You mentioned your sensitive one...be very aware of her around the time you say goodbye to your baby and after. My Boston was very attached to another boxer I lost. She had a horrible heart and died in front of us. The next few days, I saw my Boston get grey around her muzzle - she was only 2 at the time. Like us, some take it harder than others. At least with the lymphoma, they can smell something is going on and try to prepare for it. My prayers and deepest sympathy are with you during this tough time.

 

[KodysGrandma]

It is so very hard but we do relate. In over 30 years there have been many rescues they we have had to help across the bridge. Everything above is right, as normal as possible, keep your emotions away from at least the sick one, let the others see her afterwards. Lots of pictures, build a resevoir of good memories. Because we expect to move we have been choosing cremation since it became available here. That's something to consider too. They understand your love, be with her, do not leave her when the time comes, I don't care how hard it is for you. You wouldn't leave a family member and that's what she is. If the vet will come to you much better.

 

[NinaA]

Great advice above. It's good that you came to NN for help. So many of us here have had so much experience, including experience with what you are going through. Vent here, ask questions here, and get support here. Believe me, you won't be able to hide it from the other dogs, but make the time you have left the best possible time ever. I asked my vet the last time to give me a count down. When I had a month, when I had two weeks, etc. It helped a lot to be able to do that. And, when the time comes, if you can't get the vet to come to your house, depending on your plans, get him to do it in the back of a van or SUV if you have to go to him and you plan on burrial. It's much easier and really more private. We all feel horrible for you and want to help you as much as possible.

 

[skillie]

This is the absolute worst thing about living with dogs the tragic imbalance between our life expectancy and theirs. They do teach us how to grieve though and having been through this a few times its never easy. The only thing for it is to not hold back love thema nd enjoy every last minute and cry like hell when the time comes, the pain is huge but we have to try and adopt the "smile because they lived" rather than "cry because they are gone" mentality. The memories of them will get you through. One of mine (Yorkie) died aged 14 last year in my bedroom it took 4 agonising hours pleading with him to let go but he faught it till the very end. I was so glad he went at home though and so glad I got to be there and I wouldn't have had it any other way. He had been at the vet a few days before given meds and the vet told us give him a week and if no improvement he would be PTS. Think he got things his way by going on his own terms at home with us rather than in the vets surgery. We let our other dog see him and sniff him. She was a bit down for a week or so but she quickly moved on and dogs are very resilient and maybe more understanding and accepting of natural law than we are. This is never easy and will always break your heart a little my dad is 70 years old and the only times I've ever seen that man cry in my life was at the death of a dog. My thoughts are with you and your dogs

 

[Tricia2]

Three years ago when my 11 year old Malinois, Lacey became ill and was diagnosed with hemangiosarcoma, I made the same decision you have made. After extensive tests at a specialty practice, I considered surgery and chemo, but learned these would be palliative and her life prolonged for mere months. I brought her home on pain medications. I called a dear friend, a vet, who promised to come when she was no longer engaged in life. And then the party began, no more leash walks, no watching her diet and we went for rides everyday.

Her elderly companion, Millie a 13 year old Newf-Husky mix, who related to her as her puppy began to fail shortly after Lacey became ill. Her hips were terrible and I had to carry her hind end up the few steps to the house when we went out. Where previously she wanted space, she began to sleep next to Lacey. It was as though her energy was leaving as Lacey became more withdrawn. One morning I got up and Lacey was panting, Millie was curled next to her on the same bed. She had never done that before. It was time.

My girls left together, one head on each knee as the plunger of the syringes were pushed in unison. They were cremated together, their ashes spread on the beach they loved. A small pinch of their remains is in a locket I wear over my heart.

Grieving is normal, it happens in it's own time. Some days it's a pang, other days it will wash over you like a wave. One day you will find a smile or a giggle when something reminds you of your dog, and you realize they never really leave us.

For now, try to live in the moment. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

 

[Thule's Mom]

I've had to help several of my furbabies over the bridge and it doesn't get any easier. I was talking with a newf owner awhile back and when she knew she'd be loosing one of her babies, she brought her to a very scenic spot and got lots of pictures to remember her by. I thought it was a nice thing to do.

 

[Sherry1999]

I am so sad for you It is never easy...
I have a friend who has Sharpei... she actually takes her other dogs with her.... when it is time to let one of them go. Her thought on it is that the dogs understand death... but do not understand one of them leaving and not returning... she lets them smell and say goodbye in their own way... then having the others with her helps her too....I am not sure I could do it... but it seems to work for her...
I will keep you in my thoughts...

 

[chiwolvesfan]

Words cannot even begin to express my thankfulness to everyone in this group. Your kindness is very, very comforting to me. Of my 3 dogs, I truly thought she would be the one to grow old with me -- maybe blow out an ACL or something, but be here for years.

Thank you for the suggestions regarding "the time." I know it will be hard, but I do not want to see her suffer. We are fortunate as all 3 of our dogs just LOVE going to see our vet. They get so excited when we pull in to the parking lot and drag us into the building, bowling over the vets and the vet techs. We may ask if our vet would be willing to come to our home -- unfortunately, we do live 45 minutes from the clinic, but who knows.

I do think the other two dogs are aware of what is going on. They have been giving her space and letting her sleep a lot more than ususal. They let her take the lead as to when she wants to play too. I'm grateful that so many of you have suggested having the other two sniff her when she has passed. I was wondering about that. I hope that will give them some closure as well.

A practical question here... we are planning on doing cremation. If the vet comes to our home, will she then have to take Benni's body with her? That seems a lot to ask of her but I don't know. Benni is currently 123 lbs. -- no lightweight.

I'm sure I will have more questions as we progress. Thanks for being here.

 

[Thule's Mom]

When I had my cat cremated, she was put to sleep at the vets office and the crematorium people picked her up from there. I wouldn't be at all surprised if they would pick your girl up from your house. When you feel up to it, you should give them a call, or have someone call for you.

XXX
Deb & Thule

 

[Tricia2]

I called the crematory right after I called the vet and they were there, waiting at the end of the drive when mine passed. They were wonderful, they told me to take all the time I needed to say my good-byes. After about an hour when I called them in they offered to make paw print impressions for me as a keepsake. They treated them with such reverence, and positioned them side by side in their van then covered them with a satin blanket. Three days later they delivered the ashes directly to my home.