Is it time for a new puppy - long?

[TinaM]

So it has been almost 8 months since we lost Murphy. My six year old daughter sleeps with his ashes in her room. She says prayers for Murphy each morning at school when she goes to chapel and she prayers for him as night as well. She NEVER forgets. For Christmas all she asked for was a stuffed Murphy dog -- which she is obsessed with. Before any present giving holiday she asks me if Murphy will still remember her. So for Christmas and her birthday she got outfits from Murphy. Those are the only things she wants to wear because they are from her special dog.

We can be in the middle of a happy moment and she will suddenly burst into tears and say she misses Murphy. She tells everyone she meets that Murphy is up with God, she tells them about his presents and she talks about how she cannot wait to go up to God to be with Murphy again. Freaks me out a little bit sometimes. My son is completely over it -- but Samantha is/was still very effected. Granted this is the first death of any kind she has had to deal with. We took in my sister's 7 year old German Shepherd immediately after Murphy died to help with the transition. She is not the most playful of dogs -- so I guess it has not helped as much as I had hoped it would.

So with a 9 month old baby I thought maybe when he is 2 1/2 or 3 it might be a good time for another dog. Well last week we started fostering dogs again for German Shepherd Rescue. We wound up with a little chihuahua/min pin thing - around 12 weeks old which does not have an ounce of shepherd in him. Somehow it got marked as a GSD puppy and our volunteer took him. It happens sometimes. Either way he is on the website and available for adoption. So here is the dilemma -- she has come back alive. I have not heard about Murphy for a week -- she will wear anything I tell her to and she is in love with this dog. My husband and I are horrified because we are not small dog people -- and especially not a chihuahua min-pin thing that is yappy and annoying. Do we keep this dog that she seems to be the only one that likes it -- or do we adopt it out and immediately bring in another foster -- or another dog we would like to keep like a newfie? Keep in mind with three kids, busy schedules and one being a crawling baby it is not really the time for a dog right now. On top of that this dog seems to have springs on his feet and jumps straight in the air while screeching. In his excitement he nipped our GSD and she needed 4 stitches to close the wound under her eye. Help!!

 

[ardeagold]

Do you think that the dog just needs training? Terrier types/small dogs are very energetic, but like all dogs...need training. Perhaps your daughter, you and he can all go to training classes together, and he will become a dog that all of you can "live with"...and maybe even grow to love. Some just take time to grow on you.

 

[Sound Bay Newfs]

It certainly sounds like it is a good time for a newf pup as far as your daughter goes. If you have started taking in GSD rescues, then mentally you might be ready too. But of course it is a decision your family has to be comfortable with since you have a new baby and an already busy schedule. If the min pin is not your type of dog, then it might be a good idea to find him a new home and put your energies into a larger dog that you are more comfortable with.

 

[CMDRTED]

Pupper time! She's definately Newfed! Maybe depending on her outlook, she may think Murphy sent her a friend to look out for her??

 

[Charlie'sMom]

Do you think that maybe your daughter could use some counselling/therapy to help deal with Murphy's loss?

I am a nurse and I used to work in Pediatric Psychology, and we found that "replacing" the pet sometimes just displaces the grieving process rather than being an actual fix, and once the new dog has been in place for a while, it doesn't help them anymore. Then you are left with a sad kid, and a dog that you didn't REALLY want ...

I used to work with grief processes in kids, and it would help them a lot to talk their pain through with a 3rd party (someone who didn't also love Murphy). A professional sometimes has techniques to help a child process in a way that most people wouldn't have thought of.

 

[Wash]

Personally I wouldnt keep the foster if noone but her likes it. I would be more inclined to get a dog the whole family wants.

 

[lacey9875]

:hugs: to your little girl. It's hard. We waited about 10 months after losing our dog before we got Maggie. It helped more than I ever thought possible. Ashton was devastated when we lost her, and insisted on getting a stuffed lab and whenever she got upset would cry, hugging it and saying she wanted her back. She walked off a soccer field because someone brought a dog that looked like her. She kept her leash, her collar,her bowls and all her toys. We found a ball outside and no one is allowed to touch it-if it gets moved, she puts it back.

The day we went to get Maggie at the airport, she wrote me a letter that said she didn't want another dog but loved Maggie already and didn't know what to do. Now she says as much as a pain in the butt that she is sometimes, she can't imagine her not being here.

I would talk to your daughter about getting another dog. Does she understand that this puppy is a foster? If she's getting attached, and you really don't want to keep him, I'd try to find another foster asap. You don't want her little heart breaking again. I know there are some books written especially for kids who have lost a pet, maybe they will help her, or counseling like someone else suggested.

On an added note, my neighbors have a min-pin, and I think they are spring loaded. He does however, keep their two giant labs in place!

 

[graybird]

And in the opposite corner...we waited one month before I started looking for another Newf, and the *perfect* dog landed in our laps two weeks later.

My kids are a little older now, but when they were younger, we took in a Lhasa rescue that they both LOVED to pieces...until he started biting them both on the face :nono:. He went back, and a few months later we found a lovely mutt at the pound.

If this little guy doesn't feel right to everybody, keep that foster thing rolling until the universe lines something up for you. Murphy will send you the right dog at the right time.

 

[new_2_newf]

1) everyone grieves differently, and it is a learned process.

2) personally, I'd stop with the gifts from Murphy. Explain in whatever fashion you wish to explain to your child that Murphy is gone. His ashes are just his ashes, and that his spirit, the part she loved, is in heaven with god (edit to fit your personal beliefs). Let her know the love is still there and always will be, but that there comes a time in everyone and everything's life where their spirit must go be with god, and that that is a happy thing, it is a happy place filled with newf sized pools and endless bags of treats.

There is nothing like a new fuzz ball to mend a broken heart, and the time may be just right, but learning to grieve is an important life skill that we all have to learn eventually..it is scary to watch a grown adult go off the deep end because it is a skill they lack. Children are so much more resilient in so many ways.

 

[Ivoryudx]

I don't have kids so this could be totally out there....I think learning to deal with her feelings of loss, without trying to replace it with a substitute, or something else would be a very good thing. Lifes hard lessons are not always age appropriate making it harder for some than others.....why not start fostering Newfoundlands so they come and go out of her life like the Shepherds have? The 'right' one might come along for all of you when you least expect it and she can slowely learn to deal with what she's feeling. She can realize that he is gone and she isn't going to ever 'replace' him but she can love another one like him again....

 

[TinaM]

Thanks everyone -- I appreciate the great advice. His ashes have actually been moved to the playroom so he can hear everyone having a good time. That was her idea -- out of the blue tonight so I quickly moved them and put an angel figurine on top of the box. The bite to our GSD was an accident -- obviously accidents can happen with any animal. Could have easily been one of us. The dog does seem smart and is easily correctable. For instance I did not want him licking the babies face --after a few corrections all I have to say is eh, eh, eh and he immediately backs off. As for the fostering thing -- we have done that our entire lives -- all of the kids are use to it and look forward to it. We stopped fostering while Murphy was going through his surgeries and recovery. They have been asking for months when we can start fostering again. We actually had 4 puppies that only lasted three days before they were all adopted. They went quickly and a week later we get Lenny. They love when a puppy gets a new home because it means we are getting a new puppy very soon. I would love to foster newfs -- however we are not in an area that gets many -- if any rescue newfs. In fact, she has specifically asked that we NOT get another newf because it would be too sad for her. I do not want to honor this request. She has actually asked several times for a golden retriever. We said we would discuss it as a family when the baby was 2 1/2 or 3. We have read books on loss and grieving pets specifically. They end with lots of tears. At this point I just try to redirect her. When she cries I say lucky for us Murphy is with god without pain and will forever be in our hearts. I ignore the crying and try to get her involved in something else. This does work. I was just feeling guilty because this is a dog that I personally do not care for -- could be shallow I know -- but just me. My older son was upset that the dog hurt our GSD. For that reason alone he said "Mom we are not keeping this dog -- he hurt Nina". However, my husband just decided he wants to keep it because it has lifted her spirits and taken the focus of Murphy. I don't want all of us giving in because she is suddenly enamored with a dog - a terrier type no less! So lots to think about -- thank you. Thanks everyone for the PM's as well. It is nice to know that this type of grieving in children this age is actually more common than I knew.

 

[pabusinesswoman]

I am glad to hear things are getting better. As a mom, I know it is so hard to watch and to know which is the best way to go.

It is wonderful that you have been doing rescue so long! The rescue newfs.... I know one of the groups on here were looking for foster homes. They would set up transport chains to get them to where they had someone to foster.

Just a thought on getting another newf....it sounds like you would really like one...... don't know if it would work or not..... would it be better if it was another color? Ex if Murphy was black.. could you go for a brown or landseer? You would still have the personality and traits of the newf... and the new dog would look different.

Good luck with everything!

 

[victoria1140]

there are some very good pet grief counsellors around that might be worth talking to. Another thing is you could ask your daughter to make up a memeory box so that when she feels sad she can look at happy photos or things she associates with good memories.

Perhaps you could take her to a couple of newf meets and see how she reacts, unfortunately life is hard and she will have to learn to cope with the grief but if you can ease her passage all the better. Talk to newf rescue so if transports could be arranged then that would help. Perhaps even after all of this if she is still fixated on the terrier then you could keep that and a newf so the whole family wins in that you all have a dog you want.

 

[KodysGrandma]

My bet is she would fairly quickly fall in love with another puppy more to the liking of all the family. She knows this one is a foster so it's moving on would not be out of the ordinary. Almost any puppy is hard NOT to love but knowing you don't like the breed characteristics going in does not bode well. Get something you all will love when it's grown. Don't think you want to trade one unhappy child for another.

 

[TinaM]

Love the memory box idea -- will go to the craft store today to find something. She will like it even more if she can decorate it. This is such a great idea -- thank you. I will have another long talk about the circle of life type stuff. Although grieving has not really been a problem for at least the past week since we got Lenny. My husband mentioned last night that Lenny didn't have any applications yet -- and she didn't say anything. Maybe it was just the fostering that has helped and Lenny is not that special after-all. Probably wishful thinking on my part.

Newfs are so much work the first two years I really wanted to wait until the baby was less work. I also like the idea of getting a landseer since it would look completely different from Murphy. I know Northern California has an active newf rescue program -- we just do not have one in Orange County or any of the surrounding areas. San Diego has an active Newf program so I think newfs must be rehomed through word of mouth. They are almost never on the websites. I think you are right that we are probably ready for a new member of the family. Probably any other type of dog would be great for that -- but newfs because they become such large puppies so quickly they require so much more time and attention. I need to look into a Golden too -- maybe we can starting fostering an adult Golden Retriever. She really wants a dog that will swim with her again.

Looks like Lenny will be here at least another week -- hard to find a home for a terrier on a GSD website. You can look at him here under available dogs if you want. www.gsroc.org. He is listed as Benny -- which Samantha changed to Lenny. Thanks again.

 

[lacey9875]

Ok, I looked at....he is a cutie. Maybe with time your daughter will change her mind about another Newfie....mine wanted nothing that slightly resembled a lab, even some Newfies looked too lab-like for her. She came across a certain someones blog *cough cough Nanook and Pooka* and fell in love.

Maybe if you start talking to her about a landseer/bronze puppy, and the things she can do with him/her, it will become okay with her. Honestly, if you wait till the baby is 2-3, you'll have a toddler with a big puppy. More chances to be knocked down, etc. Maybe sooner is better? Our Maggie is 8 months old, and has calmed down from her early puppy days.

 

[R Taft]

Wow....this is hard. I do not have any kids either, but i do remember loosing my first friend. He was a GSD and i was devastated............ I mourned him for a long time too and wanted to go to him. My Mom said she was very worried too. I also made a memory scrap book, which I still have. And it is still a way I deal with my losses now. I do it now more on the computer. Grieving is a very normal process and it show s she really cares. Sometimes though people/kids do need professional help.
But I found a new dog, he was also a foster from the RSPCA and I adored him. Just like now you don't get over it, but just like now she to will find another place for a new dog. But the dog also has to fit in with the whole family. Maybe bringing some foster dogs in along the lines of dogs you would prefer, might be a good idea .
:hugs: to all of you, take care Ronnie