Struggling...

[noblenewf]

I know all of you will understand this. Many non Newf people do not...so I'm coming to my safe place (NN) to cry.

I fall asleep crying. I wake up in the middle of the night crying. My Gabe is in my dreams every night. And he's happy, healthy, running, swimming, licking my face, snuggling me close. Then I wake up...realize it was just a dream and then the crying begins again.

I know it will take time. But I honestly don't think the wound will ever heal. A large part of my heart (if not all of it) died along with him.

I see a dried flooger on the wall...and I start crying.

I ran the vacuum yesterday...and there was no Newf hair to vacuum up.

No muddy paws to wipe off.

No drool and flooger mess on the toilet seat.

No big bear paw slap at 5 am for his potty trip and breakfast.

No Newfie "WOOO WOOOOO!" when someone walks by with a dog (how dare they...lol).

No goodnight Newfie lick before bed.

No panting in the car and demanding to put the window down so he can stick his head out.

No water mess on the floor after a drink.

No chasing of the kitty cat.

No "herd of elephants" sound in the afternoon when it was "spunky time".

No lap full of water after a trip to the toilet for a drink.

Drool towels are still all over my house.

These are just the tip of the iceberg of things I miss. There are endless more things that I miss...that you can only get from a Newf.

Murphy misses him too. He whines in his sleep. Then he goes over and lays on Gabe's bed. I don't have the heart to put it away yet. It still smells like him. My car still has drool all over the windows, and tumbleweeds all over the carpet and backseat. It still smells like him.

I just keep Murph close to me and we try to do fun things to keep busy.

Hug your babies. Hug them tight. We often complain about the mess, the slobber, the drool, the "quirks" of owning a Newf. When a Newf leaves us...the sense of loss is profound. They are a big dog with an even bigger heart. That means a BIG HOLE is left when they are no longer with us.

Cherish EVERY SINGLE MOMENT.

 

[Jeepin' Rob]

The grieving process takes time but be confident that when the timing is right there will be a newf who has yet to enter this world or a 'rescue' newf that will step up and fill the hole in your heart & spirit.

Rob & Moby

 

[maggiesmomma]

Im crying with you and for you. I know how much they consume our heart. Don't worry if others don't understand. Some day they will be where you are. The difference is, you will be there and understand, you will comfort them. I have no words to make it better. I will keep you in my prayers and ask that He ease your pain. There is no time limit for grief, let your heart feel what it must.
Much love being sent your way from Illinois! I am so sorry for your loss.

 

[NewfieMama]

I'm so sorry. It took me years to be able to think of my very first pet, a dog-like cat called Jules, without crying. But eventually the tears turned to smiles...which I never thought they would.

{{hugs}}

 

[TerriW]

Aw, Jess..... :hugs: I am so sorry. I have been through this and know how hard it is. It's harder for you since he was so young and it was so unexpected.

 

[Elizabeth]

My heart aches for you Jess. I have no words to help ease your pain, but please know that I (and all of us) are thinking of you and wishing you comforting thoughts.
It's so very difficult to lose our furkids...

E

 

[Cascadians]

Jess! A soul that has passed over, filled with true eternal love, will come to you at night in your sleep in dreams! This is Gabe visiting you and telling you he is doing great and remembers you, loves you, is with you in Spirit, is waiting for you, appreciates his earth life with you, wants to still be your buddy, your baby, your furbear. The veil between worlds is thinned by love and remembrance. He is reaching out to you. Cherish these dreams, tell him how much you love him!

Not "just" a dream! You are blessed!

 

[ardeagold]

Jess, everyone here knows what you're going through, so you came to the right place to share your feelings. And I agree with Leska...Gabe is showing you, through your dreams, that he's okay and is happy, and that he loves you still. And, I believe he's visiting Murphy as well. The yips that Murphy is emitting are his side of their conversation.

You will heal, and in time will smile at those memories, photos, at the love you two shared. You and Murphy just need some more time.

As, Sue said, in her post..."Life is a full circle" and it truly is.

This post was on FB a few days ago. I don't know if you saw it, but it's so true. One day, either sooner or later, you'll open your heart again and a new love will bloom. That won't replace your love for Gabe, but a piece of the hole he left behind will be filled. And, I believe that he'll be the one who leads you to the one who will help you in this journey.

It came to me that every time I lose a dog they take a piece of my heart with them. And every new dog who comes into my life gifts me with a piece of their heart. If I live long enough, all the components of my heart will be dog, and I will become as generous and loving as they are.
--Unknown

Hugs and more hugs, for both you and Murphy. :hugs: :hugs:

 

[LoveLandseers]

My heart is broken for you I hope your memories give you peace and comfort.

 

[TerriW]

Jess! A soul that has passed over, filled with true eternal love, will come to you at night in your sleep in dreams! This is Gabe visiting you and telling you he is doing great and remembers you, loves you, is with you in Spirit, is waiting for you, appreciates his earth life with you, wants to still be your buddy, your baby, your furbear. The veil between worlds is thinned by love and remembrance. He is reaching out to you. Cherish these dreams, tell him how much you love him!

Not "just" a dream! You are blessed!

How eloquent.

 

[Windancer]

Cascadians has it right.....................................

 

[DAWNMERIE]

I don't know you but I can understand all that you feel, I'm just so torn for you and this is the place to come to, people in here understand (Cascadians couldn't have said it any better) the hurt...the big hole and it is a big hole. I love my puppers but I still have a hole from my first Newf, Bear. But Bear is the reason I have Zeke and Myra....the only reason, so I feel him near me with these 2. Little secret...I still have his collar from almost 30 years ago. It's so very hard and I know I don't have the right words but just know he's with you even if you don't realize it.

 

[R Taft]

Jess I suppose that is why I never write and answer the threads that ask like "what drives you nuts" or "what do you hate".....Because it is all the things i love about my newfies. I know how you feel, your heart is broken. And it will not mend, I can tell you now that my first newfie I lost in 1990 is still such a huge part of me. He still comes up in conversation a lot and we both still miss him as we do our other special newfies. You will never forget him, but you will get to the time where a smile comes instead of the tears.

I still remember losing Josh so clearly and I to was devastated, he was my heart dog and I was lost. We still had our Scotch Collie Cody, but she also missed him and our household was depressed. It was only time that made it easier.

I know this sounds heartless, but Mike went out and bought me a newfie puppy about three months later. I was angry and upset, that he had planned this trip to the Breeder and initially refused to go. How could he try to replace Josh but I went....... There I met Our Jessie's Mom, Janada and she just seemed to know my heart was fragile and laid her head on my lap. I just cried and cried. But we were introduced to a puppy from her , Jessy. She too seemed to know I needed her. And she made me smile again in the next months. She did not replace Josh, she just made another place. As sadly so many have after them.
There is only one thing wrong with newfies......they do not live long enough.
But the love they give, is just something I have not found in the other breeds we have owned and loved. there is an connection. But that connection stays, they will be happy memories and sometimes you see something in another newfie, that gives you some of that connection back.
I think our newfie Angels keep an eye on us from above and guide us.
I wish I could help and make you feel better. I can only tell you I can relate and know how awful you feel. As I sad, the memories will eventually turn into smiles, there for you to have forever......No-one can take them away
:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: Ronnie

 

[TerriW]

Also very eloquent, Ronnie. "There is only one thing wrong with newfies......they do not live long enough." SO TRUE.

 

[heather pluciennik]

Sorry for your loss of Gabe. Thinking of you!!

 

[Tricia2]

Jess, you have suffered a lot of losses in the last few years, big losses, and this one was a blindside. These dreams are powerful gifts, Leska is correct, Gabe wants you to know that there's a very thin veil between body and spirit and you can still count on him to give you strength.

Keep talking, keep feeling, keep dreaming....it is your passport to eventual acceptance and peace of heart. (((HUGS)))

 

[jane]

Jess...Everyone can relate to what you are going through. It's even harder when it's sudden. Your so right about a part of your heart goes with them. I have felt that since my first.
It is going to take you a while to get through this. Just go with the flow and let your emotions out. You loved your boy and he loved you. At least you have Murphy to help you through this. Both of you are missing Gabe so much right now. My heart just breaks for you

 

[Jeannie]

I know how you feel. When Panda died I cried when there was no poop in her spot to be picked up. Yes, I cried over poop.

I does get easier but the hole will always be there.

 

[Pipelineozzy]

Embrace your grief, shamelessy. It's a HUGE loss, and anyone who cannot understand it will just have to step back and accept it. We are all fortunate to have places like this to go where there are people who DO understand it, right to the depth of their being.
Sometimes, it takes a long time to feel better, and it's OK. I lost a ten month old once, very suddenly, it took me months to get on with normal thought processes. When someone would express surprise that I was so grief stricken, I simply reminded myself that they must have been deprived of the opportunity to have that kind of bond with an animal. It will get better, but you are entitled to grieve, you really are.

 

[Murphy]

A sweet friend of mine recently lost her beloved King Shepard named Harley.. But he was always referred to as Harls.. We used to laugh at work because she would get all upset if Harls paid more attention to her husband.. and said secretly when her husband and son went away it was actually ok cause she had Harls all to herself.. She just lost him unexpectedly a few weeks ago and is grief stricken. I overheard someone say to her "be glad it wasn't your real son and you need to get over it." Many people do not understand.. and can be just cruel.. Jess... don't ever not reach out to the ones who know your pain and feel your suffering. Again, I am sorry..