KodysGrandma
New member
Two from my Mother-
Always be a lady, no matter how painful.
Use your head to save your heels.
Always be a lady, no matter how painful.
Use your head to save your heels.
Favorite one liners
- Thread starter Wayne A
- Start date
The Doctor
New member
"Can't hurt, might help, sure would be a crowd pleaser" -- Casey
"If it doesn't kill you, it will sure make you stronger" -- Heck, I don't know who said that.
"No shirt, no shoes, no dice" -- Brad Hamilton "Fast Times at Ridgemont High"
"If it ain't broke, don't fix it ....." -- ??
"If it doesn't kill you, it will sure make you stronger" -- Heck, I don't know who said that.
"No shirt, no shoes, no dice" -- Brad Hamilton "Fast Times at Ridgemont High"
"If it ain't broke, don't fix it ....." -- ??
tsunami
New member
Not quite the same thing but these are employee evaluation one-liner comments culled from a list we'd rather not see again:
1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this employee to breed.
3. This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be.
4. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
5. When this one opens mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.
6. This employee has delusions of adequacy.
7. The employee sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
9. This employee should go far and the sooner, the better.
10. Got a full 6-pack but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
11. A gross ignoramus ~ 144 times worse than any ordinary ignoramus.
12. Employee doesn't have ulcers, but is a carrier.
13. I would like to go hunting with this person sometime.
14. This employee's been working with glue too much.
15. Employee would argue with a signpost.
16. Employee brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.
17. When IQ reaches 50, employee should sell.
18. If you see two people talking and one looks bored, employee is the other one.
19. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
20. A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
21. Donated brain to science before they were done using it.
22. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
23. Employee has two brain cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
24. If employee was any more stupid, would have to be watered twice a week.
25. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
26. If you stand close enough to this employee, you can hear the ocean.
27. It's hard to believe employee beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
28. One neuron short of a synapse.
29. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; this one only gargled.
30. Takes 2 hours to watch "60 minutes."
31 The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this employee to breed.
3. This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be.
4. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
5. When this one opens mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.
6. This employee has delusions of adequacy.
7. The employee sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
9. This employee should go far and the sooner, the better.
10. Got a full 6-pack but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
11. A gross ignoramus ~ 144 times worse than any ordinary ignoramus.
12. Employee doesn't have ulcers, but is a carrier.
13. I would like to go hunting with this person sometime.
14. This employee's been working with glue too much.
15. Employee would argue with a signpost.
16. Employee brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.
17. When IQ reaches 50, employee should sell.
18. If you see two people talking and one looks bored, employee is the other one.
19. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
20. A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
21. Donated brain to science before they were done using it.
22. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
23. Employee has two brain cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
24. If employee was any more stupid, would have to be watered twice a week.
25. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
26. If you stand close enough to this employee, you can hear the ocean.
27. It's hard to believe employee beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
28. One neuron short of a synapse.
29. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; this one only gargled.
30. Takes 2 hours to watch "60 minutes."
31 The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
Kelridge
New member
If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why are hemorrhoids called 'hemorrhoids' instead of 'a**teroids'?
Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why are hemorrhoids called 'hemorrhoids' instead of 'a**teroids'?
Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
debrand
New member
Some from Northern Ireland
"Do you think I came up the Lagan in a bubble?" (Do you think I'm naive)
"She's as many faces as the Albert clock."
"It's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick"
"He doesn't know his arse from his elbow" (His judgement is not to be relied on)
"Do you think I came up the Lagan in a bubble?" (Do you think I'm naive)
"She's as many faces as the Albert clock."
"It's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick"
"He doesn't know his arse from his elbow" (His judgement is not to be relied on)
Allise
New member
My Grandfather had many and my Father carried on the tradition...
Wish in one hand and sh*t in the other and see which one gets full faster...
And...
You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear...(something I heard almost daily from my father as he walked past the bathroom while I was getting ready for the day)
Wish in one hand and sh*t in the other and see which one gets full faster...
And...
You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear...(something I heard almost daily from my father as he walked past the bathroom while I was getting ready for the day)
Ursa
New member
My mother was the one liner queen! Saveral of her favorites have already been posted so I'll just add these.
All his marbles have rolled to one side.
Sh*t or get off the pot.
and I have to add her #1: God bless a milkcow! That was used as a curse but it was so funny that we never took it very seriously!
All his marbles have rolled to one side.
Sh*t or get off the pot.
and I have to add her #1: God bless a milkcow! That was used as a curse but it was so funny that we never took it very seriously!
ina/puusty
New member
..ok then!! ..ina n HB n Kesa
KodysGrandma
New member
For things that were sort of obvious- Wonderful the workings of a wheelbarrow.
And since my Father was an Englishman to the core and loved Shakespeare this line "Once more unto the breach dear Friends" from the Cry God for Harry, England, and Saint George!' speech of Shakespeare's Henry V, Act III, 1599.
And since my Father was an Englishman to the core and loved Shakespeare this line "Once more unto the breach dear Friends" from the Cry God for Harry, England, and Saint George!' speech of Shakespeare's Henry V, Act III, 1599.
Blacknewfs
New member
LOL...reminds me of a line of cocktails napkins we sell in our store that are totally hilarious. Our #1 seller has a photo of a guy sitting in a lawn chair in front of a trailer, with a drink in his hand, and the caption says...
"If a bear shits in the woods, should l have a cocktail?"
Edited to add -- we are in cottage country for those who don't know -- bears are in abundance up here! It's always cocktail time!
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