Is this rude?

[missmadel]

I want some other opinions here. My neighbor is throwing her own baby shower. They're having a big to-do at their house and we just got an invitation. In the invitation they request that each guest bring a package of diapers. It seems to me and my husband that to request something like that for yourself is very rude and imposing. I think it would be fine if someone else was throwing the shower for her and suggested it to the guests as a gesture towards the mother. It just seems odd to request your own gift. Is it?

 

[luvxl k 9]

I find it more sad than rude that she has to hold her own baby shower. Seems like a family member or good friend would have stepped up to the plate for her. Is this her first? If not then yes I find it kinda rude to be holding one in the first place, if it is her first, then that is really sad.

 

[wrknnwf]

I think so. It's a bit strange to throw your own party. Even so, if you had inquired as to what she would like to have, it would have been OK for her to suggest the diapers but to have her request it...no. Puts you in a pickle though.

I'm not sure what I would do. Probably just not go. But if I did go, I would take whatever gift I wanted to take. And just to be ornery, I might make it a really nice gift so she wouldn't dare complain that I didn't follow her request. And then if she DID have the gall to bitch, I would flat out tell her it was not good manners to throw your own party and tell people what to bring.

 

[missmadel]

It's not her first, it's her 3rd. She has lots of people who would have thrown her a shower. She kind of just jumped on it before anyone had a chance. She says she's invited 98 people! She can be rather aggressive and domineering. She bullies her kids and her husband for her own entertainment. I wonder if some of the things she does really are rude or if I just think they're rude because of the way she acts? My husband got mad when he saw the request. He thinks we should find some way to buy 1 diaper and bring that.

[ 02-08-2007, 12:52 PM: Message edited by: missmadel ]

 

[sarnewfie]

i wouldnt do it, the industry for this kind of thing has become so impersonal, and, expectations from some is so very unrealistic and impersonal.
jasons sister in law family threw a shower and we were supposed to go to high end stores to buy her from items she had written down, and, than on top of that we were supoosed to PITCH in for an ADDITIONAL gift that was expensive, PLUS we were to bring a gift to pass around.
WTF
whatever happened to sincere gift from the heart, without pressure, and without expectations.
to me it is greedy and senseless.

 

[ina/puusty]

Since you will be having to live in the same neighborhood, buy a package of diapers, deliver them along with your card, on a day or so before the party, and an explanation that you are sorry to be elsewhere..at that time and date. No need to explain..and..find ways to 'do less..in/near/around'..the family..even if they live right next door. A smile..and keep moving. You will not be able to change her, you cannot 'save' the family members any hurts accruing..but you can work to enjoy other people..who could use your friendship..and thus..be 'otherwise occupied'..as often as you need to. A continuem..of 'not being sucked in''will eventually be hovering..in that familys awareness..and as long as none of them..bring it up, you do not need to be specific, why you have chosen..to distance'. If there is ever a rude questioning..on the part of either adult..you can then be..'plain spoken'! Good luck, ina n HB

 

[csk1134]

I guess I see both sides of this. Yes, overall, I think it's rude to not only throw your own shower, but also decide what the give should be.

On the other hand, as you said, this is her third child. She probably has more then enough of all the other "stuff" and diapers are always useful. It makes it easy on mom, because she has a good stock pile before baby is born, and diapers can add up quickly. It also makes it easy on the guests, because they know they are buying something mom needs and that the gift will be put to good use. Rather then sitting on a shelf or in a closet.

 

[Murphy]

Nope.. IMHO Just Rude..

 

[Newfniece]

It's a little tacky. I think she just went about it the wrong way. Given that it is her 3rd baby...maybe she should have staged it as a celebration-get together, rather than a shower and put on the invitation that no gifts are expected, but that if someone would like to bring a gift, diapers would be greatly appreciated.

I don't know if I'd go to the shower or not...depends I guess if you really consider your neighbor a friend. If so, go and take a small gift (diapers or not). If she is a neighbor, but not someone you consider a friend..I'd probably not go.

Speaking of showers, we just had one for my sister who is having her second baby, and in lieu of gifts, we asked that people bring already prepared food that could be frozen so that she wouldn't have to cook for the first few weeks after having the baby. Boy was she happy!!

 

[Julie/windancer]

I got that the package of diapers was in ADDITION to the gift you might purchse. Whatever...I would take Ina's advice...as usual, the 'advice guru'..J

 

[missmadel]

You got it right Julie. On the invitation she also adds that she's registered at Babies R Us. So she wants the diapers plus a gift. I have to attend many functions with this woman because our husbands work together. I'll most likely just bite my tongue and show up at the shower. I think it will be sans diapers though. I've never responded to bullys before and I don't intend to start now.

 

[toblerone]

Wrap the diapers in gift wrap without a card. Make sure they are adult size. OOPS!

 

[missmadel]

 

[ozzysma]

maybe the gift should be a book on manners or ettiquete.

[ 02-08-2007, 02:28 PM: Message edited by: ozzysma ]

 

[migrandl]

LOL Patti! That lady definitely needs a crash course in etiquette. Maybe I'm just old fashioned, but wasn't the shower only thrown for the FIRST child? And then by a close friend or other family member? If it were me, I'd RSVP that I wasn't able to attend and totally skip out... find something to do with your own family that day - go to the park tubing, the zoo, have a nice day out at the movies and dinner, whatever.

 

[angie j]

Well I won't be bothered, as, my usual shower gift is a box of diapers... (big box... usually enough to get through a whole size stage).

If it's a good friend, give her what she wants and make her happy.

If it's someone who you don't realy enjoy, don't go and send regrets.

If you feel obligated only.... send the diapers, and regrets. Personaly, I only go where I WANT to... not just because I am invited.

Angie J

 

[Sailorgirl]

I wouldn't go, period. I think it's totally inappropriate and going only reinforces that kind of behavior. I would very politely decline.

This is one for Ms. Manners!

 

[blstarke]

Can you imagine if no one showed? That would teach her

 

[amyk]

I agree it's weird to throw a shower at all for a 3rd child. I just threw my sister's baby shower back in November, and it was a big party and I was happy to throw it for her, and she did register as that's very customary in our area. But she's done now, she doesn't get a second or a third! lol

I know that some friends of mine threw a shower for a friend that was having triplets after already having an older son, but I'd say that's a special case being that she went from needing one of each item to three! And she didn't ask for the shower, they offered!

I don't know if I'd go, although I guess I might if it would be a good party. And heck, I'd bring a pack of diapers, instead of a gift. That's a heck of a lot cheaper than most baby items!

 

[kzdz]

I just had a couple friends have their second baby. Both had a shower for the first (thrown by a friend or family member), neither had a shower for the second. I can understand it if the later child is many years after the first - stuff may have been given away or worn out. Otherwise I think it's pretty tacky. I wouldn't go. I probably wouldn't even send regrets. Maybe that's tacky of me. I think gifts need to come from the heart, not from an obligation.