issues, rants and venting..

[Sandra McGinty]

my mom moved in with us a few days before Thanksgiving... mom and I have issues that go way back, but of course I love my mom. just want to give you a bit of what I've been hearing and biting my tongue on since she's been here.

" dog smells, why don't you give him a bath? "No, not in the shower, you'll clog the drain with all his damn hair". The damn dog smells, why don't you use the shower for GOD sake?" "Don't waste money on the groomer"

"why is the floor wet?" " did you give the dog a bath?" " did you use your shower?" " I hope you cleaned up all the hair!" (Me) fine, next time I"ll do it outside. (I wouldn't do that)
"NO!" it's too cold outside, the poor sweet thing will freeze!" "He was fine, why did you have to give him a bath, now he's gonna freeze when he goes outside to pee"

My mom believes the dogs will starve to death if not fed at 5:30 am. she is up early, I'm still in bed till 7. Tana sleeps with me.
Mom comes into my room EACH morning -- "Will you get up and feed your dog!" Mom, he's fine, I'll feed him later. "Get up and feed him and let out Annabell" (shih-tzu)

Mom thinks all dogs are garbage disposals and will eat ANYTHING she puts into their dishes.

"what's this in the fridge? give it to the dog" No mom, it's steak and I didn't know it was still in there, have no idea when I even cooked it.

"it's fine, just feed it to the dogs" Mom, stop giving them food, you'll make them sick and Annabell already has diarrhea from whatever the hell you gave her.
"You are starving the poor things, how would you like me to starve you?"

"I bought more dog food today, I am not spending my money on food for your animals" I didn't ask you to buy food, did I?
"Well you're mean , it's amazing Emma hasn't starved to death. You feed the dogs better then your own daughter"

"let the cat in, it's cold outside" "The damn cat peed in my room, put him outside" "why is the cat outside, you're so mean, it's freezing out there, let him in"


there is soooooo much more I could tell you about.... just shoot me, please? apparently I'm mean :grrr:

 

[R Taft]

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

 

[Cascadians]

Ahh, the pleasures of dementia.

Please listen to this sage advice: place your mother in a good assisted living which also has a memory care unit on campus for more advanced levels of care.

 

[Bucephalus]

Hugs to you.:hugs: Sounds like our house. Mom is in town here, too, and despite having grown up with a dog, she can't seem to handle a Newfoundland.

 

[skoorka]

A friend of mine is going through the same thing. It's gotta be so tough on you, and you are wonderful for doing this (even if it doesn't feel that way)!!!! Sending GIANT hugs & Newfy kisses!!!!!

 

[Erika]

maybe you could let her read some of the newf net posts on feeding and bathing,,,,,,show her pics for fun while your at it. My mom likes poodles.....needless to say she think my house is a barn for polar bears and black bears....she dont understand why they need to be soooo big. She too thinks they eat alot.....finally got it in her head, they are like humans...they are my kids...SIGH!!!!!! sending you a BIG HUG!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[TerriW]

Sandra,
It's not you, it's not the Newfs. It's not the cat, it's not the temperature or the food or the hair. It's that your mom has lost control of her life to some extent (having moved in with you) and in order to feel validated, and good about herself , and "useful", she can a) either get out of the situation (move out) or b) make YOU feel worse about yourself, thus proving to herself that she doesn't REALLY need you, YOU instead need HER.

If this is new behavior, it's possible it may subside with time. If she's always done it, you may need to talk with someone about how to deal with it. If you want to defuse it, you COULD say (every time, to whatever she says) "Good point. You're usually right, mom!" with a grain of salt, and then go about your business.

Hang in there. My dad will be moving in with me soon and I may be experiencing my own parental pangs soon enough!

 

[mrs big dogs]

My mom passed away 8 years ago and I would give anything to have her nag me like that, be glad you still have her.

 

[dumainedogs]

No advice here.. just a great big hug!

 

[Clifford the big dog]

I understand. That's about when my Mother in law moved in with us. She is constantly giving the dogs food from the table, no matter how many times I ask her not to. But how can you resist that face, those eyes, it's just a little bite. All those years of hard work at getting them to lay on the dog bed while we eat, gone. Since Christmas I explain everyday, sometimes many times a day that chocolate is poisonous to the dogs and they can't have it. On the good side, my Jack Russell is getting more attention than she has got in a while, she loves sitting on my Mother in laws lap. Both dogs have behaved better than I ever thought they would and worried about it before she moved in.
Now if she would just stop asking us to take her back home.

 

[Pipelineozzy]

My recently divorced sister in law is going through this too right now, and we invited her to come and bring her mom along for Christmas dinner. My heart just broke for her, having her life in a turmoil because of the divorce as well as suddenly being the caretaker for her mother, who has a non malignant brain tumor that causes somewhat bizarre behaviour. There is no advice, just know that there is a special place in heaven for people that can do what you are doing.

 

[wrknnwf]

I agree with Terri. She feels lost, useless and out of control of her life. And she's seeking attention. Unpleasant attention is still attention.

Is she physically and mentally capable of being helpful to you? If she was a Newf, I would say give her a job. Tell her you need her expertise (even if you don't) and ask her to take charge of something that she likes and can do. Then let her do it on her own and give her lots of praise. Reward the good behavior (starting with the best approximation), and don't react to the bad behavior. Works with people as well as dogs.

Think division of labor. Have her set the table for dinner every day or help with the washing up. Get her on a schedule of easy chores and light exercise. She can probably dust or wipe things down regularly. Wear her out by keeping her busy. A tired Mom is a good Mom...LOL. Don't forget to thank her for what she does.

If you work, don't let her stay alone all day with nothing to do. What hobbies does she have? Sewing/knitting/reading? Get her a library card or take her to the fabric store. Maybe you'd like new curtains that she could stitch for you? Let her sew bibs for the dogs or knit a sweater for Annabell (even though she doesn't need one). If she loves to read, find her a book club that meets regularly. Did she work? See if she would like to volunteer her skills for some organization. You'll probably have to do the leg work for her.

Does she like to cook? Tell her you remember how good her pot roast was and ask if she will teach you. Put her in charge of the Sunday dinner. Does she have her own friends? If so, arrange for her to have a monthly tea party and you take yourself on a shopping trip or to the movies while she entertains.

If she's sneaking food to the dogs, take her with you to the vet and have your vet give your Mom strict feeding instructions (with the reasoning behind them) as though they were her dogs. You may have to clue your vet in to your devious plot. Encourage her to ask questions about their care and, perhaps (under supervision), let her take over some of those duties.

If you have siblings or family members that are close by, ask them to help entertain Mom with an weekly outing. If there are senior activities in your area, get her involved.

Does she have some of her things around her? Let her redecorate her bedroom to her taste. Or give her some area of the house to call her own, where she can out her stuff, indulge her hobbies, or have to herself. Remember when you were a kid and you needed your own space?

Ask her advice about something. Show her you value her ideas. Does she have a choice about where she lives or even feel she has a choice? Would she be happier in a senior facility? Try to find out what which situation would make her happiest without inviting criticism. Tricky but do-able.

Side note: I had to take care of my Mom 'til she died of cancer and then was left with my Dad on my hands. He was a problem, too. One day, I lingered at the grocery store after work because I wasn't anxious to come home. When I finally did get home, I found him dead on the kitchen floor...

Don't let your last years together be all about bitterness and angst. Find a way to make it work. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it.

 

[padkins]

:grouphug: Big hugs to you, your mom, and everyone in your household as you make this adjustment. :grouphug:

 

[Sandra McGinty]

thank you all for your wonderful thoughts and helpful advice. my mom is indeed a control freak, and always has acted like she is right now. I don't regret her moving in with us and I usually have to laugh at her ongoing commentary about what goes on in the household. My daughter Emma, who is 7 usually tells her Nanny to stop being mean to her mommy. My little protector -- I think the adjustment is hardest on her. She hates being told to put on her socks, which my mom tells her constantly. Hugs to all of you right back with wet newfy kisses -- I will cherish my mom because the thought of her not being around someday saddens me to the point of tears at times. I pick my battles and find that there are very few of them to join. thank you all again -- and thanks for letting me vent a bit.

 

[chumleysma]

What is my mom doing at your house? My sisters and I usually use humor to deal with it. Of course, then, she calls us idiots when we're laughing. Our mom has always been like this, but it has intensified as she gets older (she's now 72 yrs.). We try to roll with the punches and reel her in when she steps over the line. Only my sisters understand what it's like.

 

[CMDRTED]

Judy's Mom lives with us, and has for about 7 years, She's 91. It's an adjustment. Sooner or later most of that will stop. Unfortunately for me, they both want to do things "My Way" which means I have to referee. It's never dull here.........................:grrr:

 

[Carole Macomber]

Sending hugs...PS: You are not mean... :hugs:

 

[2Paws]

:hugs::hugs::hugs:If it helps, please vent all you want. It's so good of you to care for your mom.

 

[KS Newf]

Total hugs going out to you. I went through this with my mother as well, and I think Terri hit the proverbial nail on the head. I wish I had had Terri's take because I spent my time alternating between pulling my hair and banging my head against the wall. Further, again yes, what I wouldn't give to hear my mom's particular brand of crazy assaulting my ears again. I do miss her so! Hang in there and know you have a lot of support! :hugs: Edited to say you are an angel just like everyone who gladly assumes these responsibilities, so God bless.

 

[luvmynwfy]

Hi
Sounds like you are having quite a time. I think I get along so well with my parents because we only 'visit' weekly. When the whole family is up at the cottage for the summer it doesn't take more than a few days before the same dialogue starts playing between us. Hang in there, hopefully over time things will get better.
Marina