Relationships

[Bill382]

Today, I learned that a young lady I had my eyes on as a potential partner has a new boyfriend... and he's not me.
Frustrating, sure, but also a painfully familiar scenario.
Having grown up with Asperger's Syndrome, relationships are (for me) one of life's greatest mysteries. I remember my therapist asking me how people got romantic partners, and my answer was "beats the hell out of me."
I know that relationships, for all the pain they inflict, are worth the effort. Is this actually the case?
What are your thoughts on relationships?

 

[lmfoltyn]

The most loving relationship you will find out there is the love your newf has for you! They are loyal, loving and great companions. Relationships will Humans on the other hand can be a blessing but they can also be a curse. We as humans have many frailties that others sometimes can't understand. When you find the right person for you, you will know it. It is still hard and you will have to work to make any relationship work. When someone walks away, let them go because you are better off without that person. Good luck to you!

 

[wrknnwf]

Oddly enough, the best years of my life have been those without a partner. I've found that I live a very content, joyful, fulfilling life on my own as long as I don't sit in a corner and wallow in my alone-ness.

I dated, lived with, and eventually was married for 19 years, to a wonderful man who died when he was 46. While we loved each other deeply, these last 18 years without him have been the most worthwhile. I say that with all the love and respect that I can muster.

But maybe it's because I got into Newfs. I can tell you that the dogs are much easier to live with than another human. Both are a lot work, though. LOL.

My brother is paranoid schizophrenic and has been married twice. His first wife, also paranoid schizophrenic, was his perfect match, but died from breast cancer after 14 years of marriage. I think they did so well together because they equally understood the challenges of their disorders and met them head on together. Also their meds were very effective.

His second wife was schizoaffective, bi-polar and had much more difficulty with relationships of any kind. Her meds are not effective and have terrible physical side effects. And, as a result, she was either unwilling or not capable of having a healthy relationship with anyone, including her own relatives. After 6 years of trying to make it work, he was compelled to divorce her, due to her wildly fluctuating moods and bizarre, threatening behavior. I do believe it was the best choice for both of them, although my brother still loves and misses her a lot. I think she will do much better now that she isn't under the burden of a marital relationship.

Picking the right partner is probably the most difficult decision you may ever make. But whether it's made in heaven, or hell, or not at all, you always have to work at life.

 

[NinaA]

I can write this today, because it is my 46th wedding anniversary. I met the perfect person for me when I was 15. It was arrange by two mutual adult friends, and it was love at first sight for both of us. This may sound discouraging, but I have to tell you it is work - lots of work. Don't ever believe this 50-50 stuff. It is 100 - 100 % every single day. Some days I want to strangle him, and some days he wants to strangle me, but you have to wake up each morning and say I choose you forever. I know, as I said, because I've been doing it now for a total of 51 years. You can do it too.

 

[Bill382]

I understand that relationships require contributions from both parties. However, a fear I have is that if I make a single mistake, my partner (or potential partner) will hold it against me. Have any of you experienced this?

 

[Summer]

Bill, it is my opinion that if that is the case, then they really don't love you. I understand your fear. I thought that too when I was younger, but when I really loved someone and it was reciprocated, the heart over looks imperfections. Even when we get angry about something, we also see the beauty in that person and let the anger go. Positive Relationships enhance who we are, not the other way around.

 

[dreamchaser456]

Relationships can be some of the hardest times and some of the best times. And it does take work from both parties, but when you really do find your soul mate you WILL know and so will they. I was NEVER going to love anyone when I was young but when the right one came along (and I was not looking for anyone as I had my animals) something just clicked for both of us. We have been married now for 39 years (including 20 when he was in the Navy). Because both of us are committed to making things work, it has and I can't imagine my life without him. Yes, we get frustrated with each other or just life at times, but we LOVE each other all the time. When that person comes into your life they see you best and forgive your mistakes. (And believe me, I've made enough mistakes for 3 lifetimes already). Enjoy every day of your life and when you least expect it that's when you find the best.
And honestly, MOST people don't understand relationships all that way either if they are truthful.

 

[Jentarin]

I got married a little over a year ago, and we are expecting our first child in January, so I may be a little biased in saying that my life has become more full and happy than it has ever been.

That being said, the real question is not what you are going to get out of a relationship, but what you are willing to put into it. I know you love your dog, but there were certain changes you had to make when you got him: Making sure you were home to let him out, time spent training, feeding and cleaning up after him instead of other activities you might have chosen. Completely worth it in all of our minds, but it is still something that we have to choose.

My stepfather married my mom in his early 40's after being a bachelor his entire life. 15 years later, he is making my mother miserable because he can't emotionally connect (with her or anyone really), and has decided that he is just better off being alone.

I guess what I'm saying is that yes, just like your beloved dog, it can be one of the most rewarding things in your life: someone that you will happily give up anything for just to make them smile, and who will do the same for you. But on the same token, there are people that see their friends with dogs, and see how happy they are. But after getting one themselves, realize the work it takes, and just leave it in the backyard with a bowl of food. They end up resenting the dog for all the barking, when all the dog wants is someone to love.

 

[ajcooksey]

I can honestly say I've never been happier than I am with my husband. Next month we not only celebrate our third anniversary but also the birth of our first child. We have been together for 7 1/2 years and very early on we were 100% committed to each other. We gave 100% and knew that giving up and cheating were not an option. We were long distance off and on for our first four years and I honestly think this mindset is what helped us to get where we are today. Communication is crucial for a relationship to thrive and by being apart it was all that we had for the majority of those first four years. Realizing that every fight was not a make it or break it situation was also imperitive. We knew that no matter what we were going through we needed to find a way to work it out. This has led us to where we are now and we rarely fight and when we do we fight in a productive way.

I agree 100% with Jentarin that relationships take work but they are absolutely worth it. You need to find the person worth fighting for and you will realize it when you do. There are a few things that I think are imperative to a successful relationship. One is that you can't go into it hoping to change the person because trying to force someone into a specific mold doesn't work. Another is while you can be different I think you need to have a few key views lined up such as whether or not you want children/marriage or even pets. These are things that people are generally not willing to change their minds about.

 

[ElvisTheNewf]

I only been married for 5 (almost 6) years but I can say without a doubt that marrying my husband was the best thing I've ever done. It does take work, but he's my best friend and makes me laugh harder than anyone I know. He's also supports me and lifts me up in ways I never knew I needed. I hope I do the same for him.

However, I do not rely on him to make me happy. No one can do that but me. "Having a man" was never a goal in my life and I'm thankful for the few years I lived alone and all the experiences that came with that. He makes my life better in a million ways, but at the end of the day I am responsible for my own happiness, just like he is for his.

I think the biggest marriage lesson we've learned so far is that there are 3 ways of doing things - my way, his way, and our way. He does some things better than I do. I do some things better than he does, and there are some things neither of us were doing well and we had to come up with a new way. This is a very simplified example of that, but take our responsibilities with Elvis. He handles the poop and buys the food. I do all Elvis's grooming, and we both play/walk/take him to the vet/take him outside/whatever else he needs.

 

[BLCOLE]

Bill: I'm an Aspie as well. I am also 52 and never married. PERSONALLY, I've learned to appreciate how simple life can be with just a Newf. Quite honestly, seeing other people's complicated relationships scares me to death.

 

[MC Sullivan]

I think the essentials to developing a lasting relationship is tactful honesty, realizing everyone makes mistakes, having the ability to forgive, and a well developed sense of humor.

Realize no one is perfect and relationships take work.

 

[lmfoltyn]

Great response MC Sullivan!!

 

[R Taft]

And I married my best friend....we were friends first and partners (married) after about five years.....we had our love of Dogs, horses and animals in common...Our friendship seems to get us over any humps. And we do so much together, but we also have individual hobbies.......And we have now been married for over thrity years

 

[NinaA]

You cannot fear being yourself. Have a good relationship - kind, loving, forgiving - and if marriage comes so be it, but don't worry about marriage. It must also be honest. You cannot have a lasting relationship built on fear. Be yourself and the right person will come along. Usually when you're not looking.

 

[Murphy]

Great response MC Sullivan!!

I happen to know that this is one wise lady !!!!!

 

[speaker]

...
I know that relationships, for all the pain they inflict, are worth the effort. Is this actually the case?
What are your thoughts on relationships?

We are, by in large, social creatures with a drive to reproduce; it's what we're wired to do as a species. Each individual is different and I know some individuals who are not at all wired to be in a relationship. I know others who are miserable in a relationship because they will take about anything to be in one. For some the relationship is worth the effort, for others it isn't.

I've always preferred being close to someone, but I have had my share of bad ones as well. If you've found having a close friend difficult, than that's probably a sign that having a relationship will be difficult.

As far as finding one, both parties have to want to connect. This is the best reason to not wait before making a move. In the future if you run into someone that you might like to partner with, don't wait for that "right moment". Let them know you're interested and they'll either give you good news, or tell you (hopefully nicely) that they're not. If you dwell on thinking about approaching, you're only creating anticipation and that chemical process will start to form the bonding in you and you'll feel betrayed if they end up connecting with someone else.

When it comes to relationships, Fortune favors the bold.

TL;DR: It's worth it for many, don't wait to make a move.

 

[jane]

Relationships are a lot of work!!!! It's a non stop effort all the way! I have a high functioning autistic brother in his 50's who feels just as you do. The saddest thing is knowing that he will never be able to have a relationship, but that's just him.
To tell you the honest truth....After my first husband left me, it was just me, my daughter and a newf. I remarried after 5 years and had another child. That makes 2 children plus my newfs???? Right???? Um...I'm not the only one to say this, but being married feels like I have 3 children at times. I love my husband, but sometimes feel like I enjoyed myself much more when I was single. I'm very independent and the relationship thingy can really put on the stress at times. I'm not saying it is men only because I have heard the same response from men who are married.

 

[Bill382]

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts. Life as an Aspie is challenging at times, but I refuse to let it get the better of me. I wouldn't even own a Newf if I did. And I know we all have days where we wish that our fellow humans were as loyal and loving as our Newfies.

 

[Popcorn]

Bill,

For what it's worth, I am married 12 years to a man that has Asperger's. I don't have it. While it presents certain definite challenges for the partner, it is just one part of all the huge numbers of challenges to having a relationship. I will echo that being a relationship requires giving 100% both of you. Of course, mistakes will be made over and over again, but if there is enough love and commitment, it really is OK. We've forged a total bond and are very happy.

Interestingly, I will say my Newfs (whom I brought into the relationship) were a huge emotional bridge for us, and still are. My husband has a hard time with closeness, affection and being tactile. But not with the newfs. When we first met, and as my newfs became old, he spent hours upon hours massaging and caring for them. He doted on them and in a sense it was a common bond that kept us together when we felt distant because of his intimacy issues.

Fast forward -- we have another elderly newf in our house now - and he is over the moon in love with her. Spends hours doting on her, rubbing her, cleaning her ears. He may not always be able to be so tactile with me, but in a funny way, I treasure just as much the love he gives to her. Because I love her. And I love him. And it keeps him "in shape" being loving and physical, do you know? He maintains that skill set with our newf, and it carries over to me.

So ... find a person who loves Newfs as much as you do. These hairy angels can have enormous therapeutic power in a relationship.

Don't give up. You can find the person who can deal with the troublesome aspects of Apspergers, and love you for all your other great qualities (some of which come from the Apsergers as well!)