Oh Boo Hiss

[Murphys_Gurl]

The Rabbit

A farmer came in from a day's work and got showered, shaved and all cleaned up and was sitting on the front porch rocking, reading the paper and waiting for supper. A rabbit came hopping across the front yard and hopped out on the road and was hit by a truck. About 15 minutes later the same truck came back down the road and stopped right by the dead rabbit. The driver got out, took the top off a bottle and poured it on what was left of the rabbit. He threw the bottle over into the ditch in the weeds and drove off. The farmer thought, "Well, this is strange." But he kept rocking and pretty soon he saw one of the ears of the rabbit kinda flicker. Soon the other ear perked up, and slowly the head begin to re-form, and the farmer thought, "Boy, I've been in the sun too long." Slowly, the whole rabbit came back, and he got his two front shoulders and front feet working, though he was stiff from being hit. He got his two front feet up, and he turned around and waved at the farmer. The rabbit started to hop away, and about every four or five hops it would stop and turn around and wave at the farmer. Soon the rabbit was out in the field. The farmer decided he had to see what was in that bottle. So he went out to the ditch and found the bottle. And on the bottle it said, "Hair restorer with a permanent wave."

 

[Murphys_Gurl]

Signs that you are no longer a kid:
1.- You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
2.- You can live without sex, but not without glasses.
3.- Your back goes out more than you do.
4.- You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
5.- You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
6.- You are proud of your lawn mower.
7.- Your best friend is dating someone half their age... And isn't breaking any laws.
8.- Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
9.- You sing along with the elevator music.
10.- You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
11.- You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
12.- You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
13.- You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
14.- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
15.- People call at 9 pm. And ask, "Did I wake you?"
16.- You have a dream about prunes.
17.- You answer a question with "Because I said so!"
18.- You send money to PBS.
19.- The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
20.- You take a metal detector to the beach.
21.- You wear black socks with sandals.
22.- You know what the word equity means.
23.- You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
24.- Your ears are hairier than your head.
25.- You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
26.- You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
27.- You got cable for the weather channel.
28.- You can go bowling without drinking.
29.- You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

Seinfeldisms

Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?

Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go to the bathroom in a handicapped stall?

How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires? Isn't that the basic idea behind the wheel? Don't they rotate on their own?

All the king's HORSES and all the king's men? Are you kidding me? No wonder they couldn't put Humpty together again. Just what did those idiots expect the horses to do, anyway?

Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? "Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!"

Isn't it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did THAT happen? Did some cattleman once say, "Oh, man, I can't wait till them calves are done so I can get ME a hit of that stuff."

9 Things Not To Say To A Cop
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
Hey, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!!
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
I pay your salary!
Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us knows.
I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around, that's how far ahead of me they are.

How To Handle A Car Accident
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. It's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished
but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So, you're a man; that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle...my car is completely demolished, but this bottle
of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and
then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back
to the man

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" She replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."

The Dentist
A man went to his dentist because he felt something wrong in his mouth.

The dentist examined him and said, "That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"

The man replies, "Well, about four months ago, my wife made some asparagus and put some delicious Hollandaise sauce on it. I loved it so much that I put it on everything now.

"Well," said the dentist, "that's the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away at your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome."

"Why chrome?" asked the patient.

"It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise."

 

[hawk]

Hi,

You can tell if a police officer has been eating doughnuts because their eyes are glazed

Ok this is why I am not a comedian

Peace
Hawk